I've been tagged...you could be next.

My deceptively innocent-looking utility pirate/fellow Jane Austen junkie/sister-in-law from the RGV tagged me.

6 Random Things/Quirks Tag

1- Post the rules on your blog.
2- List 6 random things about yourself.
3- Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
4- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
5- Let the tagger know when you have posted your entry.


So here we go, prepare to be amazed/shocked/bored:

1- I have never colored my hair (though the stress of the past year has taken it's toll and I can see the need for chemical intervention in the near future.)

2- As a senior, I took third place in the State FBLA Business Law competition.

3- I recently talked an Idaho State Trooper out of giving Parker a speeding ticket. This was not an act of pure altruism...he's on my insurance.

4- I will be a grandma in less than a month.

5- Apparently, my daredevil abilities on a snowmobile were what attracted Paul to me.

6- If I were a character in Fahrenheit 451, I would be among those who get arrested for hoarding books.

I tag...Deaun, Kareena, Heidi, Ali, Alysha, and Darin (it's been 4 WEEKS since your last post. Es tiempo por Episode Quatro, hermano.)

Free to Good Home...

I'm kind of kidding. Last Friday, the boys and I went skiing again. We were joined by Brent and Cory; Lynn, Preston and Gentry; Cathy, Brian, Brandon and Katelyn; and Rob. We loaded the gear and passengers into the Suburban, Brent's minivan, and Rob's work truck, and headed for Targhee. Cathy and Brian planned on meeting us at the resort. I invited Lynn to drive the Suburban, since the roads were slick.

As we got on the highway, it felt like the engine was starving for fuel, it didn't want to go over 40 miles an hour very badly. We made it to Newdale, which isn't even halfway to Targhee, and decided to call in the cavalry for reinforcements: Rob, Tyler and Parker, who were ahead of us; they turned around and came back. We loaded the skis into the back of the truck. Just as we were figuring out where to fit the people, Grant and Reiker Ricks pulled up, so Hayden rode with them. The rest of us got in the truck and Brent's van. We left the Suburban parked in a farmer's yard.

Hayden came home with the Ricks' at 2:30 p.m. so they could do baptisms for the dead at 4:30 p.m. in the Rexburg Temple. The rest of us skied until closing, drove back to Newdale, picked up the Suburban, and limped home. We (the expert diagnostic committee made up of Tyler, Lynn, Brent and your's truly) think we narrowed the problem down to a fuel filter or maybe a vacuum issue. It kind of felt like Paul was sending a message, "Remember how much you depended on me?" He would have popped the hood and had the problem diagnosed in five minutes, and most likely had it fixed right there in the farmer's field.

So, until I take it to the dealer, the crippled beast sits in the driveway, awaiting its fate: repair (if reasonable) or retirement (it is fourteen years old, after all. Isn't that like a hundred forty in human years?)

Let me take this opportunity to thank everyone who came to the viewing and funeral last week. It was wonderful to see so many family and friends. We have been blessed by the outpouring of love we have felt through this difficult time. I knew I married a wonderful man, but I had no idea the extent to which his life and example impacted the people around him. Thank you for sharing with us.

Spending the day with Paul

Though to some it might seem a strange thing to do at a time of mourning, the boys and I went skiing today. We decided together that if Paul were here, he would have loaded the skis and snowboards and been out the door in a heartbeat, especially on a day like today: sunshine, blue skies, spring-like temperatures. It was absolutely beautiful. I like to think that Paul had some influence in that department. Parker wore his dad's jacket and I wore his hat. We took his picture with us and placed it in a tree overlooking the valley. Each time Parker skied past, he saluted Dad. It really was a healing experience. We talked about Paul and felt him near. I believe it helped the boys understand that you can grieve the loss of a loved one and still continue to live and enjoy life. That's what Paul would want for us. We miss him deeply, but are grateful for the knowledge that this separation is only temporary. See you later, Paul.

In the words of another great Paul: "I have fought a good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith."

Paul passed away in his sleep last night at 11:30. Hayden was at the Scout Klondike Derby winter camp out near Rigby. Tyler and Brandi, Parker, Cameron and Jacob had been here at home with me, watching movies. After the first movie, Tyler and Brandi went home. I kept falling asleep during the second, so I got ready for bed. When I came back downstairs, I felt prompted to tell the boys that Paul would probably be going that night. I had just sat down to tell them, when I heard a sound coming from the other room and went to check on Paul. By the time I got to his side, he was gone. I came back and told the boys, sending them upstairs until I got Paul ready for them to see him. Parker called Tyler, then our friend Grant, who was at the camp out with the Scouts, and he woke Hayden and drove him home. I called Darla, and Bishop Wightman. When they arrived, they called the other family members, as well as hospice and the funeral home. We had about an hour to sit and talk before they came to take Paul's body away. I appreciated the gentle manner in which they handled things.

We all went to bed around 2 AM. Hayden woke Parker up at 8, asking him to take him back to Krupp Scout Hollow so he could participate in the sled races with his scout troop. When he got home, he told us that when they were running the first race, they felt a sudden burst of speed right at the end, allowing them to win that heat. We think it was Paul giving a push from the other side. Hayden was chosen to receive a special award by the leaders for coming back and finishing the events: a handmade wool coat (like what a mountain man would wear.) That meant a lot to him.

Darla went with me this afternoon to make final arrangements for the funeral. I am so grateful that Carol and Angie helped me get most of it planned last week. The only thing left to decide today was the date and time.

There will be a viewing at Flamm Funeral home in Rexburg on Wednesday, January 21 from 5:30 - 7 PM. The funeral will be on Thursday, January 22 at 11 AM, with a viewing from 10 - 10:45 AM, at the Rexburg Stake Center.

I have come to realize how blessed I have been for spending the last twenty-four years with Paul. I feel like those years have been so joyful, in spite of the trials of the last sixteen months, because we had to fit a lifetime of love into half the time. Paul spent more time with our sons in that same period of time than many men do in their entire lives. We have so many happy memories to draw upon in the years to come.

Here are some things I have learned from my husband:

Always keep your sense of humor. Just last week, after Paul had stopped taking fluids, he commented that his mouth was so dry, he could spit sunshine.

Don't complain. It doesn't improve the situation, and makes others feel bad, too.

Treat others with respect. Paul had many friends from all walks of life because this belief was part of his character.

Family is more important than anything else. We never questioned where we fell on his list of priorities.

Putting complete trust in the Lord brings peace. He knows our needs and how best to meet them. This has been the greatest lesson through this trial. Throughout this often painful experience, we have known that all would be well, even though we would be losing our husband and father for a time. This knowledge continues to bring us comfort and hope for the future.

Death is not an end, but a beginning. Paul was excited to move on. Towards the end, when he was still able to communicate, he wondered aloud why it was taking so long to be done.

I'm not finished yet; Paul told me this himself. There's still work left to do before I'm ready to rejoin my sweet husband, so I had better get busy. We all had.

More Tender Mercies

Monday night Paul was really confused and making unusual requests. He kept pulling the sheet from the bed and asking me to tape his legs together with it. When I asked why, he said, "For evidence." It had been a long, tiring day and in my exasperation I said, "I don't know how much more of this I can handle." Well, Paul was listening, and in a rare moment of clarity said, "Why don't you lay down here on the bed and get warm." He moved over as best he could, put his arm around me and true to character, as ever, he comforted me.

I feel like I need to explain a little about my birthday gift and this one. When I said it was "my Paul," that wasn't quite accurate. In reality, it was more like my Paul, celestialized. Kind of gives me something to look forward to...

He sleeps most of the time now. He doesn't respond to much of anything or anyone. He appears to be getting closer to leaving. I am so grateful for the decision we made to bring him home, it was the right one; and for this opportunity to serve the wonderful man who is my best friend and husband.

Many of you have asked what you can do to help our family. At this point, there really isn't anything we need: our fridge, freezer and pantry are bursting at the seams, and we are doing well, emotionally. So just continue to pray. I'm sure there will be a time in the days and weeks to come, when we will need your help and support in a more tangible way, but in the meantime, thank you for your love and concern. We have been blessed by each of you.

Birthday Gifts

Of all the gifts I received for my birthday, the best came in an unexpected way. Paul has been sleeping a great deal of the time, and when he is awake the things he says aren't always relevant to the present, thanks in part to the pain medications he is taking. On Sunday morning around 12:30, I woke up to the sound of him stirring in the other room. When I went to see what he needed, he asked if I wanted to sit next to him on the bed. I did, and he proceeded to talk to me for two hours. The fact that it was my Paul, not delirious Paul, was the true gift, one of the sweetest I've ever been given.

After we finished talking, he went back to sleep and I did the same. Several hours later, a loud noise jerked me back into consciousness. When I got to Paul's side, he was holding the tubing and IV needle from his port, the morphine pump lay on the floor. He told me he had pulled out "the stupid needle." He hadn't been using the morphine very much, so I wasn't too worried. An hour or so later, he realized what he'd done and asked me to call the hospice nurse to put it back in, saying he needed all the help he could get. The nurse came, but she let me re-access the port, talking me through the steps. It was a piece of cake; I've seen it done so many times before. She left extra needles and sterilization supplies, just in case Paul has a change of heart and removes it again.

We had lots of visitors and phone calls yesterday. It was a little overwhelming, but I know people want the opportunity to tell Paul of their love for him, and to support our family. If it helps others find peace, then we can deal with a little craziness once in a while, as long as there are periods of calm between the storms.

Update

This picture is unrelated to the post, but I wanted one that reflects the Paul we all know and love...

Paul came home from the hospital last Friday. He is being cared for by me and a hospice team that visits every few days. He is resting more comfortably here than he was at the hospital; most importantly, his pain is under control. We have a hospital bed set up in the dining room and I sleep on the couch in the living room so I am able to hear if Paul needs help during the night. The last few days he has been sleeping most of the time. When he is awake, he is often confused as to where he is and who is around him. One morning, I was "that girl they rescued with a helicopter," but the next I was "the best wife in the world" and "my dear, sweet wife." He quit eating while he was in the hospital, and doesn't drink much, either. Needless to say, his condition is declining.

Mom and Dad Parker spent a couple days this week helping out, and Lynn and Brent are coming tomorrow night and staying until Saturday. Mom and Dad Carling will be coming tomorrow to spend the day as well.
Paul's best friend from school drove up from Utah today. Parker didn't have school, due to a heating system failure at the high school, so he was able to sit and listen to Shane tell stories of the adventures that he and Paul had together as teenagers. It was cathartic for all of us.