We lived after the manner of happiness...

Christmas was bittersweet this year. We have been so blessed by wonderful family and friends who continue to shower us with love. To say "thank you" seems so inadequate, but I don't know how else to express the overwhelming sense of love we feel. We are surrounded by people who are acting as the Lord's hands here on earth. This was the hardest Christmas I have ever experienced. I was torn between the joy of watching the boys' excitement and the heartache of seeing Paul suffer. He slept off and on most of the day; but around 7 o'clock Christmas night, his nausea medicine seemed to quit working, which made it impossible for him to take pain medicine. He woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I knew I needed to get him to the hospital, but with the blowing and drifting snow, I didn't dare go until it was light outside. He was admitted on Friday and is still there.

Dr. Hancock came to see us on Saturday morning, with the results of the PET/CT scan. Because of the amount of pain Paul is in, we weren't surprised to learn that the cancer has spread. There are new lumps underneath his arms; the one on his abdomen, as well as his left shoulder have grown.

These are the treatment options:

Try a different chemotherapy drug (Taxol)
Send Paul to Huntsman to enter a clinical trial
Send Paul home and keep him as comfortable as possible

Paul doesn't feel like he could make the trip to Salt Lake, so Huntsman is out of the question. And we're not quite ready to give up, so we opted to give Taxol a try. After we shared our decision with Dr. Hancock on Sunday morning, he called down to the hospital pharmacy to see if they had the drug in stock. They were out, but said they could order some. A short while later, the pharmacist called Dr. Hancock at church to tell him they had found some; and it just happened to be the correct dosage for Paul. So he had his first infusion Sunday afternoon. He is suffering from one of the more annoying side effects: hiccups. This happened a year ago when he did chemo the first time. He is receiving several different medicines to try and get rid of them, with varying degrees of success.

The entire Carling Clan descended on Rexburg Saturday afternoon. After lunch at Applebee's, the kids went to our house while the adults took turns visiting Paul at the hospital. At some point, they quit taking turns and we had twenty people in Paul's room. It was like a family reunion/wake -- not to be morbid, but it really did feel like a memorial service. It was wonderful. We are so grateful for the love and support of all of you. Cathy and Mom made us a beautiful wall quilt that depicts some of the favorite activities of our family and a pillow with the motto that the Carling family adopted when Paul was diagnosed almost sixteen months ago.
(click on picture for larger view)




We don't know what to expect in the coming weeks. If the medicine is going to work, we should know fairly quickly. In the meantime, I will apply for a deferment from BYU-I for Winter semester, though it breaks my heart to do it. I don't know yet whether I can defer the grant, too, but things will work out when I'm ready to go back.

Cameron and Jacob are in Utah with their cousins; Parker and Hayden have been hanging out with their favorite surrogate family. We love you all for watching over our boys. I have been spending my days with Paul, talking with him when he's awake, reading while he sleeps. I've nearly finished my second book. Thanks to all who have come to visit (especially those bearing Egg Nog smoothies from Jamba Juice.) We both have enjoyed the company. I don't know when he'll be coming home, but I will keep you posted.

"I'm Gettin' Nothin' for Christmas..."

Wednesday I went to the Third grade Christmas concert at Lincoln Elementary. Jacob did a great job singing. As you can see from the picture, he really got into character for some of the songs. The boys stayed busy with parties and activities during the final week of school for 2008. Cameron went with the rest of the Fifth grade to see "Tales of Despereaux" on Friday. I think most of the week was spent watching movies in class instead of doing work, but hey, it's Christmas! I'm sure the teachers have figured out that the productivity levels of their students are on par with sea sponges during the last week before break anyway.

Parker went snowboarding at Grand Targhee with the neighbors yesterday. He said it was very cold, but the snow was not bad. I have a running joke with our neighbor that he gets to claim Parker and Hayden on his tax return this year, since they have spent so much time down at their home.

Paul has had another rough week. The pain in his shoulder is still giving him grief. We're doing our best to make it bearable. We have an awesome home health nurse named Kate who makes sure we have the supplies we need so I can give Paul fluids and nausea medicine through his port when he's really sick. That saves us from late-night trips to the E.R. He is scheduled for a PET/CT scan on Tuesday afternoon. I don't know how soon we'll get results, with it being so close to Christmas, but we'll keep you posted.

The younger boys have been counting down the days until Christmas with four Advent calendars, though at this point, that's probably unnecessary. I'm sure they know how many hours, minutes and seconds are left! At this very moment, Hayden, Cameron and Jacob are in the other room watching home videos of Christmases past. I just heard Jacob say," You were so cute, Cameron!" This year our family has been treated to the Twelve Days of Christmas via UPS, the U.S. Postal Service, and even YouTube, courtesy of the Utah Carling Clan. It has been fun to see what surprises await us inside each envelope, package, and e-mail...thanks!

I got the results of my final exams...I got an A in English and a B in Science, but my overall final grades were A's in all three of my classes. I must have gotten some heavenly help to be able to maintain my grades in spite of the challenges I've had this semester. I was surprised by an e-mail I received inviting me to be a tutor next semester for the Foundations Science class I just completed. Apparently, my teacher was impressed with my performance. I respectfully declined the offer though, in light of my other responsibilities.

We will be spending Christmas at home, enjoying each other and wish the same for each of you. We are grateful for the opportunity we have to celebrate the birth of our Savior. We know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us; we are grateful for the blessing of peace that has come into our lives as a result of this knowledge. The trials of the past sixteen months have been easier to bear because we know we aren't in charge and we aren't alone. We love you all and are so grateful for the love and generosity you have shown to our family (thank you, Pizza Fairy.)

'Tis the Season...

...of the Invisible Snow Shovel (unless you're a mom, in which case, you're automatically endowed with the ability to find things that mere mortals can't even see.)

...for disappearing hats and gloves -- I believe there's an unseen force that annually sucks them through a black hole in the back of the closet. Do you think that somewhere, on the other side of the Universe, there's a planet made entirely of winter accessories?

...when boys believe hats (if they can be found) are suitable substitutes for personal grooming. This is a direct quote: "My hair is going to get messed up anyway."

...for muddy footprints of varying sizes, this week, they happened to be about Men's size 11 (Paul wears a 10, so he's off the hook.)

...for final exams and projects. I took my last test yesterday, but I'm still waiting for the scores. Here are some pictures of the "creative response" portion of my English project:

I wore this shirt on the last day of class. Appropriately enough, we were discussing Frankenstein.




Simply choose a head and snap it on a body. Voila! Instant playmate.

I doubt this is what my professor was expecting, but you have to admit, he did leave the door wide open with the word "creative." I'm pretty sure no one else did anything like it. It's good to be memorable, isn't it?

Paul's chemo treatments got off to a rough start this week. He had an allergic reaction to one of the medicines that was supposed to help control the nausea; we ended up in the E.R. at 2 a.m. Tuesday morning. Things have been much better since we dropped that medicine from the roster. I gave him some I.V. fluids today, and he will take his last dose tonight. His pain is still pretty hard to control, but he's patiently enduring. We appreciate the kind words, prayers and generosity from all of you. It's nice to be so loved! The goodness of the people we share this world with continues to humble and amaze me. Thank you all.

I got some good news today: I have been chosen to receive a private grant that will cover my tuition, books and some other expenses for Winter semester. This is a such a blessing.

"We had still duties which we ought to perform."

Who ever thought I'd be quoting from Frankenstein? Fall semester ends in a week. I have two final exams to study for, as well as a large, time-consuming portfolio of Mary Shelley to assemble for my British Literature class. It involves a lot of reading, a great deal of writing, and a generous dose of blood, sweat and tears. (Just kidding about that last bit. My professor said when describing the assignment to others we should make it sound really difficult so they'll take pity on us. Did it work?) I would finish sooner if I wasn't a compulsive rewriter. My work goes through half a dozen iterations before I'll quit.

Paul has been able to work the last two days, in spite of the continuing pain in his shoulder. He starts oral chemo on Monday. At our appointment on Wednesday, Dr. Hancock said he wants Paul to have a PET/CT scan the week after next, rather than waiting until January. He has been consulting with Dr. Jones at Huntsman, about a possible surgery after the first of the year. Speaking of Dr. Jones, we got an e-mail from him with pictures of Paul's leg surgery. Only those with strong stomachs should ask to see them. They're pretty amazing, in a gross sort of way. He did say he sent "the least gross" of the bunch. Thanks!

Last night I took Paul to see the play She Loves Me at the university. The Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie You've Got Mail is based on the same story. It was a musical, making it a supreme sacrifice on Paul's part to sit through the whole thing. He's very good to humor me when it comes to cultural events. He even went to the Ballet with me when we were dating.

We put up Christmas decorations for Family Night. We haven't cut a tree yet, but might do that tomorrow, umm...I guess it's tomorrow already, so make that today, depending on how Paul feels. Parker is anxious for more snow, even praying for "moisture for the crops next year." But we know he really wants it for snowboarding. That's okay, it suits both purposes.